Welcome to May! This means that a new, shitty and over-hyped movie will come out every weekend of the Summer “blockbuster” season.

These will make up the majority of my near future hangouts with friends who just can’t come over to watch my excellent collection of martial arts films and anime, nor will they do something manly with me like go bowling or play Final Fight: Double Impact. Seriously guys, I have Super Street Fighter IV; let’s just play that!

Sure, I’ll see these fucking movies. I’ll go see one this weekend. What’s out? Iron Man 2. Wasn’t the last one about a dude who gets kidnapped and MacGyver’s a robot suit to escape and then his evil corporation he didn’t know was evil – surprise, surprise – copies his suit and uses it for evil things and then explosions happen? Okay, good.

I actually haven’t seen a single trailer or read a single article for Iron Man 2. I just know who’s going to be in it because I go to 7-11 and see those cups. So I will build the plot off of that.

What I am about to tell you is exactly what will happen so if you can’t make it to the midnight showing, you won’t miss a thing!

The movie starts off with Whiplash being all butt-hurt about something Iron Man did and vows to kill him. Tony Stark denies being Iron Man, contradicting what happened at the end of the last movie. But since he is always drunk and saying ridiculous shit, everyone finds it plausible.

Tony Stark drinks, and then hits on women. Then explosions! War Machine starts talking jive because that is still how black characters are treated in mainstream Hollywood action movies. Tony Stark drinks some more and starts doubting self, then hits on women! Nice shot of Black Widow’s ass. She has nothing important to say. More Explosions! Then Iron Man vs Whiplash. EXPLOSIONS! Iron Man wins. Nick Fury calls him a bad mutherfucker, Tony Start drinks to that, and War Machine break dances.

And then every weekend until the fall semester starts, a “new” movie will come out that follows a similar formula!

THE END.